I hear the words and my ears get hot, my face is on fire and red. My body is hot and I can't control my urge to cry. I want nothing more than NOT to cry, but I simply can't stop it from happening.
I want to just be quiet and say nothing. But then here's the water works. I'm angry for not being able to stop it. I'm embarrassed. My mind is filled with thoughts that aren't true, past scenarios, past relationships, pride, anger, thoughts of inadequacy, I'm not good enough and I never will be, if you don't like me the way I am then fuck all the way off, I'm not cut out for relationships, it's easier to be alone and so on and so on. I'm overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions. Way overwhelmed. The urge to flee is strong. Fight or flight.........RUN.
I've been triggered! I hate that cliche word, but that's exactly what happened.
I continue to cry and try to figure out what is going on. I can only guess that the crying is my body's way of trying to regulate itself and all the overwhelming thoughts and feelings I'm experiencing. They are almost impossible to control. So instead of lashing out, getting revenge and trying to hurt back, running away, and lord knows what else, I cry. This goes on for a bit.
I don't run. I just cry. I finally get a tissue and sit with the person who never intended to get this reaction from me and definitely didn't expect it. You see, I know this person would never hurt me or say anything to make me feel this way. I feel safe with this person. So there I sit still not saying anything. I remind myself of this even though I'm feeling hurt, angry and embarrassed.
I realize that even though I can't stop crying, I am controlling myself. I'm controlling my thoughts by asking myself some important questions while this is going on and telling myself what the actual situation is. Is what this person said correct? yes. Did they intend to hurt me? No. Did they say it in a caring way? Yes. Why do you want to run? Because that's what I've done in the past. Is this like something in your past? No. Take a deep breath. Figure it out. Calm down. Do not speak until you can speak calmly and with some intelligence.
The key message here is the recognizing and the pausing. Do you now how far I've come to be able to do that? I was able to turn negative emotions and thoughts into reality and control the trigger from self destruction and making it into something it wasn't. Growth.
I was able to sit down and explain what I was feeling and why, and the reason I was crying so much. Poor guy was like "what in the actual hell is going on here?"
I had caught myself. I am so proud of that! I recognized I was reacting to what was said due to my past and not the actual words begin said today. By pausing and considering the situation and not letting my negative thoughts or emotions take over, I was being emotionally intelligent AF.
Some of you won't get this and some of you will, but I felt like a queen. First of all because of the amazing person I happened to be with and how he just took it all in and was super kind to me. But also because I realized. I realized, I realized, I realized. I fucking realized.
When we were young, we didn't really talk about emotions or show them. We went to our room and dealt with shit by ourselves. We didn't even know how to deal with it. We just handled it, right or wrong. I realize I'm older and some people get this WAY earlier than I am, but it's never too late and you're never too old to get better and grow.
Why do we want to strive to do this?
Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges and defuse conflict. It is very important in personal relationships, work and overall well being.
Recognize trigger situations. Take pause and reflect. Figure it out before you speak or react in a negative way. Ask yourself some questions to make head or tails of it. Remember, your thoughts are out to get you A LOT! Don't let those little shits get away with it.
The Power of Self Awareness!! Recognize when emotions are influencing behavior. (am I being a crazy bitch again?) LOL kidding, but not really. 😳 Be less crazy.
Is is rational or is it emotional? Recognize the power of emotions. Seek different perspectives, utilize logic and reasoning, learn from past experiences, practice self awareness, seek support and feedback if warranted. Be an FBI agent against your own damn self if you have to.
This all builds self esteem. increased satisfaction in life and self acceptance. (Be the queen you know you are!)
So I guess just catch yourself letting your emotions dictate your behavior. Pause. Reset. Ask yourself the logic of it and keep practicing. The mind is a dangerous thing and it can be your worst enemy. Don't let it! Control your mind and start living!
Well I've exposed myself enough for one night. Seee yerrrrrrr!
“Feelings are self-justifying, with a set of perceptions and "proofs" all their own.”
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