Have you ever just felt like a piece of shit? Like you're just not good enough? You can't do anything right? You're worthless? What are you even good at? Literally nothing.
I used to think I felt this way because of the men I was getting into relationships with and how they treated me. Although they are definitely a part of it, after talking with a counselor a couple of years ago, I realized it started much sooner than that. She actually told me (after hearing about my childhood and parents) that I did not get my needs met as a child and I decided at a very young age that I was actually unlovable. I continued to tell myself this lie up to the age of 50 years. If you repeat this thought and believe it for that long, it becomes difficult to get out from under. When you're living your life at a young age, you think that's how it's supposed to be and you think everything is good. As an adult and a mother of two boys, I can now see where these negative feelings started and why.
A little background first. My parents divorced when I was five and my Dad remarried and had a daughter with his new wife. My Mom was a single parent with 3 kids and was our primary care giver. We moved 3 hours away from my Dad and only saw him on school vacations and in the summer after that. He had his new life and we had ours. We had a lot of babysitters on the weekends and sometimes my mom would be away all weekend. I hated it. Where the fuck are my parents? Sometimes when I write about heavy stuff like this I want to flee from the area and listen to upbeat music instead. But, here I go.
My Mom remarried when I was in 5th grade and my siblings and I really liked our stepdad. The problem was, they both drank heavily on most nights and would go out and leave us home alone a lot and come home drunk, play loud music and argue loudly ON SCHOOL NIGHTS!
Try having friends over for the night only to have them woken up by this mess and being unbelievably humiliated. That's not what parents are supposed to act like, is it? I didn't want to have friends over to sleep anymore after a while because the feelings of embarrassment weren't wicked awesome. Did they even care what I was feeling? Did it dawn on them that this was not what is best for the kids? Maybe they were doing the best they could with what they had to work with. Who knows? All I know, is that from my perspective, things could have been better.
And how about that time I said to my Dad over the phone on one of our long distance calls "I love you" and his reply was simply, "yup". Jeh.
Things weren't any better for my sister and brother either. I wasn't the only one affected by our parents behavior. My brother would come out of his room madder than a wet hornet telling them to "shut the fuck up"! Can you imagine saying that to your parents who were drunk and arguing? He had no patience for it and I completely understand. Once when we were home alone, my brother and sister were fighting as they usually did and my sister held a knife to my brother! Like, who's in charge of these kids? Again, where the fuck are my parents? I kind of chuckle about it now because we are all still alive and as well as we can be!
Later in life, I had a couple of relationships that also affected my feelings of insecurity and my non- existent self worth mindset. I used to attract narcissistic men who had no problem actually telling me how useless and worthless I was and reiterated that I actually couldn't do anything right. Because of my belief that I was unlovable and worthless, I stayed in these relationships for about 30 years. "You're chubby, you're legs are big, your fat". "Shhhhhhhh". "Sit down, you're making me nervous". You're driving wrong, you're showering wrong (can't make it up), you wipe your ass wrong, do it like I do because your way is wrong. You can't do anything right. Do you see the pattern I'm in at this point?
Through work with a counselor I learned that what I believed of myself, was actually attracting men that would treat me poorly. I was an easy target and they could smell it a mile away. It felt like a comfortable old shoe for me to be treated like that.
I've had to make the very difficult decision to leave a relationship that is doing more harm than good not once, but twice! Where the strength to do that comes from is hard to describe. Here I am feeling like I'm nothing and nobody will ever love me, yet I've also somehow found the strength to get out of this damaging relationship to be better, to be the person I'm meant to be, and learn to love myself for who I am and not what someone wants me to be. You ever heard of that song by Adele called "To Be Loved"? I think she nailed it.
The first relationship was 7 years. I was young and still had a bit of sass left in me to realize this was not what I wanted my son to think a marriage or any relationship was supposed to be like. The second relationship was 22 years and I tolerated a lot more than I should have for many years unfortunately.
I could give more examples of what brought me to feel so worthless, but I'm pretty sure you get the idea by now.
The changing point to finally end this madness and bad cycle I was in, and had been in for most of my life, came one day while talking to that same counselor. She offered me a couple of options that I could present to my husband (at the time) and if he didn't agree, you have a big decision to make. Stay and keep doing what you're doing, and let it continue to destroy you, or end the relationship.
Prior to be actually saying the words out loud that "this is not working anymore", I had written down in a journal how I was feeling. This is exactly what I wrote:
Feeling like:
Guilty about everything
Difficult to make decisions
No coping skills
Withdrawn
Overwhelmed
Angry
Resentful
Want to be alone/left alone
Excessive worrying
Can't do anything right
I hate myself - (fat ugly, stupid)
Feel ganged up on
Misunderstood
Can't get out of bed
Stay up late
Don't want to do anything
Crying a lot
Gritting my teeth in my sleep
Increased blood pressure
Thoughts - I'm a bad mother, bad wife, bad daughter, bad sister
I'm feeling trapped in my job
Everyone hates me
I'm annoying (even to myself)
Don't want sex at all
Don't feel happy
Questioning everything (Is it me? Am I the problem here)
Allowing people to convince me it is me
I'm not taking care of myself
Reading those words to describe myself and how I was feeling at that time is hard. How could I have gotten into such a state of mind?
After the decision was made to end the relationship, I stayed in a hole for about 9 months. I felt so much guilt, I second guessed my decision to say/do something, I literally couldn't stand myself, I was petrified of the future, I even tried blaming. I knew none of those feelings or thoughts were going to help me get through this, but you can't stop the feelings from coming. So you learn to process them the right way so you don't bring them with you and repeat the cycle again. I was doing an excessive amount of looking in the mirror to really see what I could do differently too. Nobody is innocent in these types of situations.
I went through a lot in the next couple of years (the house was sold, the divorce was final, I had to find a place to live that I could afford on just my income, my Mom died in the middle of all of it, and I still had to work on myself without faltering if I was ever going to break the cycle). In all that chaos, one day, as I sat there worrying about how I was going to do it on my own, I realized over a year had passed and I had actually been doing it on my own that whole time!
I have done a ton of work on myself since this time and although it wasn't easy, it was worth every minute of uncomfortable, difficult work. Uncomfortable is where you grow.
Some of the self work that helped me through this whole process (and by no means am I done) were:
1. Mirror work (cringy as a mo fo and extremely out of my comfort zone)
2. A lot of reading (self help, mindfulness etc)
3. Positive affirmations/I am statements (hung up in my home office where I spend a lot of time each day)
4. Spending time with friends and not isolating myself
5. Saying yes to everything
6. Having lots of heart to heart conversations with close trusted friends I felt very safe with
7. Learning to stop negative self talk (BIG ONE)
8. Learning to control overthinking with mindfulness (thoughts are not truths!!!)
9. Self care/doing things that I enjoy with myself to think, reflect and rest when needed (going to the beach alone and listening to my favorite music, hiking alone, going for drives, chasing sunsets, taking a trip to my hometown and just reminiscing, pedicures, manicures, bubble baths, face masks etc.)
Something someone said to me still stays with me today and that was "the easiest way to help yourself is to help someone else".
Although this is my very first blog and it's sort of an intro, I hope the stories and information I share in coming months will be helpful to you or someone in some way.
If my writing helps just one person, then the courage it took me to write this down and put it out there will be more than worth it.
As I continue to heal and grow, I have realized that I really enjoy helping others. I feel like I have more to give and hopefully this blog will serve as a platform for me to do just that. Helping others fills my cup!
Stay tuned............
"Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome." - Brene Brown
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