Sit Right In It

We are not supposed to talk about our feelings, let alone deal with them. Fuck that. Let's talk about the elephant in the room. Shall we? 

I didn't deal with my feelings or sit in them or really acknowledge them until I was 50 years old.  By the way, it's NEVER too late to deal with this stuff.  Being the person you want to be is a lifelong work in progress and may also change several times.  It's ongoing.  It's never too late to look in the mirror, find out why you are the way you are, and make changes for the better. 

They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.  

For me, the insanity was continuing negative self talk, not setting boundaries and having low self worth/esteem.  I also put up with behavior from others that did not serve me or make me happy.  It actually took from me...THAT was insanity.  If you don't do something to change the way you feel, you will continue to do the same things you've been doing (which are not working or bringing you joy).  You will continue to bleed into others that don't deserve it.  If you bring all those bad/negative things to the next relationship, friendship, or whatever it may be, it will be doomed for failure.  

We need to deal with our feelings.  What I mean by dealing with our feelings is that we need to acknowledge them, identify them, decide what we can do about them, and finally find a way to let go of the ones that aren't doing us any good.  

Ignoring our feelings or pushing them down and not dealing with them will cause us to keep on doing the same thing or attracting the same things or people (negativity, narcissistic partners, bad friends etc). 

It's okay to sit in your feelings for a bit while you work them out, but not too long.  Sit in the feelings long enough to process them out.  That's it.  No perseverating on them, obsessing about them, overthinking them or dwelling on them.  Get in there with them, then get out.  While sitting in your feelings, it's okay to be sad, cry for as long as it takes, be mad, be emotional, be hurt, be disappointed, be annoyed or whatever it is that you're feeling.  Don't live there though.  Although there is no set time limit for how long this process takes, be sure to take action at some point. Only you will know when it's time.    

One of the first things I did was start writing.  Write your feelings down.  Write how or what you feel.  Write why you feel this way.  Write what you can do about it.  Give yourself permission to feel this way and give yourself some grace for feeling this way.  Then give yourself permission to let it go.  Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you process and release them.  It can be a great way to gain clarity and insight into your emotions.  

Say it out loud to yourself or in the mirror vs. writing, but get it out somehow.  I find that looking at the words or hearing the way I'm feeling and WHY (out loud), helps me see the whole picture.

Sometimes, after you let things go, they can and most likely will find their way back to your thoughts/heart.  That mind of yours is always trying to kick your ass when you're not looking.  Sigh...  

When you find yourself thinking about it again or feeling that way, catch yourself.  Tell yourself you already let that go, so there is nothing to think about or feel about this anymore.  You've let that go.  Repeat as many times as you need to.  Don't allow the past to continue to occupy any of your time if you've already let those thoughts and feelings go.  

Change YOUR narrative.  Retrain your mind.  Re-write your story.  Leave the past and any bad feelings it has brought to you right where it is - behind you.  Look forward and move forward - the only direction you need to go.

If you surround yourself with positivity you will think and behave positively.  Believe this.  It is absolutely true.

At the same time, if you surround yourself with negativity, you will think and behave negatively.  And that is EXACTLY what you will attract.  We get more of what we focus on.

We control our own lives.  We are in charge of our own destiny.  Nobody can make these changes in our mind but US.  As I said in my last blog, it's work.  It's always going to be work.  Embrace it.  

Think about what conversations you are having in your head.  Who and what are you listening to?  Remember, your thoughts are not truths!  I'll say that again......................

THOUGHTS ARE NOT TRUTHS.

Change your environment if warranted.  Make sure you are surrounding yourself with positive people.  Think positive thoughts and challenge negative ones.  Shift your focus.  

Teach yourself to be present.  Get off your phone.  Get off social media for a bit.  Social media can cause you to have negative thoughts and also negative self talk.  Take a break if you need to.  You won't miss it.  I promise!  At a minimum, "snooze" the people that bring negativity to your feed.

Work on personal growth.  Read books.  Listen to podcasts.  Google articles on personal growth.  

Treat yourself with kindness and self-compassion.  Don't be too hard on yourself.  Letting go is a process that takes time and patience and work.  I have a tattoo on my forearm that says "Be Kind".  It's a reminder to me to be kind to myself.  The tattoo is not facing out so others can see it.  It's facing me.  I still need a constant reminder!

Speaking to a therapist or counselor can be helpful in processing or letting go of feelings, past traumas and emotional baggage.  

Forgiveness is a very powerful tool for letting go.  Carrying around grudges or resentment can be a heavy burden.  Mel Robbins said: "Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace".  Amen my sister!

Get out there and exercise!  Go for a walk, hike, run or bike. Go to the gym, do some weight training, join a kickboxing class, etc.  Move your body.  Release those endorphins.  Improve your mood and set yourself up to think positively.

Clean up!  Decluttering your physical environment can be symbolic of letting go.  It can also reduce stress and make it easier to focus on what's important.

One thing I did almost everyday for the past couple of years and am still doing quite often is talking to friends about my feelings and seeking their support.  This is instrumental in the processing and letting go of feelings.  

I'm writing about this stuff because I've done it and used these tools personally.  If I can do it, you can too. I know it is WORK, and it's not exactly fun, but with the right focus and a little bit of consistency you can put this stuff behind you for good.  And on occasion, when it pops back up then just sit in it for a minute...just don't sit too long.  😉

There will be days that you JUST don't wanna do it. Fucking do it anyway. DO IT ANYWAY!

"A mindset will not change the shitty situation you're in.  A positive mindset changes YOU, which changes your ability to deal with the shitty situation that you're in". - Mel Robbins

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"I literally can't stand you"

You are so ugly - You are fat - Your body is disgusting - Nobody will ever want to be with you - You are too much - You are extra - You are so annoying - Stop talking -  Shut up - You're not smart - You are such an idiot - Dumbass - You can't do one thing right - You are not good at anything - You suck - You don't do enough - You're not even a good Mom - You're a horrible sister - You're a terrible friend - You're a horrible daughter - Everyone is better than you - I literally can't stand you - You're such a pussy - Nobody likes you

Can you imagine hearing someone say those things about you, or to you?  What if the person saying those things to you, is actually YOU?  

NEVER in a million years would I say those things to anyone in the world! Not even the people who have crushed my soul. I said it to myself though. Daily.  Several times a day.  

In addition, let me just unpack some shit that has gone on in the last couple of years. 

On November 1st of 2020, My Dad died after his battle with cancer.

Two days later my granddaughter Micah Rose was born to my 18 year old son and his 18 year old girlfriend who all lived with us.

In January of 2022 my son and his girlfriend broke up and decided to live separately, co-parenting Micah at 18 years old.  It's very difficult to help guide your young son through huge emotional life changes, especially when you're going through them yourself.    

At the end of February, 2021 Abe and I split up and he moved to Boothbay. The house would need to go on the market. 

The house needed a lot of work to in order to be sold. I remodeled the bathroom (Ben helped), added a barn board accent wall to finished basement (Caelan helped), replaced the floor in my bedroom, built a 4x8 floating deck on the front of the house, and painted the outside doors.  I replaced a throttle cable in the riding lawn mower after push mowing for several weeks (6 hour job) as I waited for the part on back order.  The snowblower also broke down during that first winter.  I  packed all of Abe's stuff myself into boxes and stored them in the storage closet because he never came to get anything until much later.

In August of 2021 I started a new job.

On November 3rd of 2021, the divorce was final.  

I sold the house in April of 2022. I was able to rent it until I could find somewhere to live.

In my limited spare time I looked at houses, condos, and applied for rentals.

On June 20th of 2022 Mom had a massive stroke and we had to make the decision to take her off life support. She lived for 7 days in a vegetative state.  My sister and I were there all week watching her die.  Slowly.  

In August of 2022 I bought a condo and literally had to handle packing up the entire house myself.  I cleaned out the shed and all the storage without taking any time off from work.  What a fucking nightmare.  

At the end of August, 2022, Caelan, Micah and I moved into the condo

And THEN, on October 13th my dear friend Jan died unexpectedly.  

It's like........can I get 5 fucking minutes without something happening here?

These are pretty big life events happening all in a short period of time.  I'm not telling you this for sympathy or any of that.  I'm telling you because that's a lot of heavy stuff to deal with on top of already hating yourself.  BUT...you can get through hard things and be whole again, whether you believe it or not.  

I'm not going to lie, after reading all the positive comments, messages, texts, calls etc from the last blog, I felt very overwhelmed and actually ugly cried a few times!  To hear that I inspired someone, or that my writing touched someone in a positive way, or resonated with them sent me for a bit of a loop.  Especially the part where people said they never would have known anything was wrong, and remember me as being so positive and upbeat all the time.  

Honestly and embarrassingly (after all the work I've done on myself) I felt like nobody was going to read the blog, let alone get anything from it.  Why would they?  (That's negative Nelly talking.  She's a bad egg.)    

It was hard to hear all the positive things, but really awesome to hear also.  Why does everything have to seem so complicated and conflicting?   

I've always been my own worst enemy, yet I have to also be my biggest cheerleader and advocate too!  The lines get blurred sometimes.  I am the only one that can do it.  Your friends and family can tell you how wonderful you are and really show you they love you and help you believe good things about yourself, but if YOU don't believe it, it just doesn't stick. 

I didn't even realize I was doing it until the counselor I spoke of previously, noticed how I speak about and to myself in our first session.  She called me out every time I spoke negatively about myself.  The goal was for me to recognize it and stop it in its tracks, preferably before it came out of my mouth.  Initially, she would remind me of what I said several times in each session.  Then I would say it and catch it myself before she could say anything.  Then toward the end of my sessions it wouldn't even come up.  That doesn't mean the thoughts weren't there, it just means I was controlling them better and not saying it out loud.  It was a step in the right direction. Catching yourself is the the first step.  Not saying it out loud and limiting your negative thoughts and even saying something positive instead, is DOING the work!  

If you can relate to what I've said above, the first thing you NEED to do right this very minute, is make the decision to stop the negative self talk.  Then commit to doing it.  It's hard work and it's constant and everyday at first.  Then it gets less and less.  The more you stop yourself from saying and thinking the negative things, the more you start to believe the positive stuff.  Keep in mind, I'm still catching myself to this day.  The work never ends.  Learn to love the work.  

The first thing I did was work to catch myself.  Then I read a book by Shad Helmstetter, PhD about stopping negative self talk.  At the end of the book there was a website where you could sign up to listen to positive self talk on your phone or computer for $20/month.  I signed up and for about a month or two I listened while I went to the gym, cleaned the house, or while sitting around.  I listened almost everyday. 

Another thing I did to change my mind set was mirror work.  Hear me out...............

Mirror work is super cringy and I had to force myself to do it.  It's when you look yourself in the mirror and say nice things to yourself - "I am" statements.  

Mine were:

I am stronger than any storm

I am valuable

I am a fucking bad ass

I choose to feel good

I respect myself

I am beautiful inside and out

I am lovable

I am worthy of genuine love

I trust myself

I face every challenge with a smile

I am proud of myself

I deserve to feel strong

I believe in myself

Today, it's fairly easy to look in the mirror and say those things and believe them....mostly.  Initially I cried the second I opened my mouth and struggled to say them everyday for a while.  I was actually mad at myself for not being able to stop crying about it and wondered why.  When you hate yourself for so long, then you force yourself to say nice things to your own face, it gets emotional.  It feels embarrassing, awkward, cringy and wrong.  BUT.....it's actually the right thing to do and it's so important to your mental health.

If you can change your mindset and learn to control your thoughts about yourself, you're way ahead of the game!  Remember, only you can make the change.  No one can do it for you.

By the way, I had the positive affirmation (I am) statements written on colored paper in Sharpie and hung them on the wall directly above my computer screens in my home office where I would see them everyday.  I also had a big mirror in there so I could look in it and read the statements each day.  

I also read two other books.  The Untethered Soul by Michael A. Singer and Unfuck Yourself by Gary John Bishop.  I actually took notes during the last one.  Both awesome books in my opinion.  I've read several self-help/inspiring/motivating books since then too.  

I still find myself thinking negative things about myself in my head and I can usually catch myself from saying too many negative things, but it's still a work in progress and likely always will be.  I'm okay with that.  As long as I keep doing the work and keep moving forward, I can deal with it.  Even today I find myself scolding myself if I catch the negative thoughts.  You can still look in the mirror and tell yourself "No, I don't do this anymore or I am not doing this to myself today, or any other day, so stop it".  Then say some positive things to yourself like "You are a good human being and people love you."  If you're lucky enough to have true, trusting friends that you know will give it to you straight, and they love you through and through, believe them! If you can't believe your opinion of yourself, believe theirs.  

Someone that means the world to me said, after I was being a complete asshole to myself out loud, "give yourself some grace, will you?"  I remind myself of that whenever the negative creeps in.  Give yourself some grace!  Such great advice.  We've all been through something.  The best thing we can do is handle ourselves with a little more GD grace.  Be kind to yourself.   

Give yourself the same advice you would give to your very best friend.  If you heard your best friend saying those negative things to, or about themselves what would you say to them?  Say that to yourself!  

You know you best!  After all, you will be spending the rest of your life with yourself.  You had better learn to love YOU!  You will be there to catch yourself if you fall.  YOU will be there for you!  Sure, you have support from family and friends hopefully, but only you can do the work and make the changes.  

Keep your heart open at all times.  Do not close your heart because of something that happened to you in the past.  Don't lose who you are because of stuff you had to go through.  Loving yourself and others has been - and always will be - the answer.  

"Hate does not have enough energy to destroy love." - Eric Thomas

Comin' In Hot!

Have you ever just felt like a piece of shit?  Like you're just not good enough?  You can't do anything right?  You're worthless?  What are you even good at?  Literally nothing.  

I used to think I felt this way because of the men I was getting into relationships with and how they treated me.  Although they are definitely a part of it, after talking with a counselor a couple of years ago, I realized it started much sooner than that.  She actually told me (after hearing about my childhood and parents) that I did not get my needs met as a child and I decided at a very young age that I was actually unlovable.  I continued to tell myself this lie up to the age of 50 years.  If you repeat this thought and believe it for that long, it becomes difficult to get out from under.  When you're living your life at a young age, you think that's how it's supposed to be and you think everything is good.  As an adult and a mother of two boys, I can now see where these negative feelings started and why.  

A little background first.  My parents divorced when I was five and my Dad remarried and had a daughter with his new wife.  My Mom was a single parent with 3 kids and was our primary care giver.  We moved 3 hours away from my Dad and only saw him on school vacations and in the summer after that.  He had his new life and we had ours.  We had a lot of babysitters on the weekends and sometimes my mom would be away all weekend.  I hated it.  Where the fuck are my parents?  Sometimes when I write about heavy stuff like this I want to flee from the area and listen to upbeat music instead.  But, here I go.  

My Mom remarried when I was in 5th grade and my siblings and I really liked our stepdad.  The problem was, they both drank heavily on most nights and would go out and leave us home alone a lot and come home drunk, play loud music and argue loudly ON SCHOOL NIGHTS!  

Try having friends over for the night only to have them woken up by this mess and being unbelievably humiliated.  That's not what parents are supposed to act like, is it?  I didn't want to have friends over to sleep anymore after a while because the feelings of embarrassment weren't wicked awesome.  Did they even care what I was feeling?  Did it dawn on them that this was not what is best for the kids?  Maybe they were doing the best they could with what they had to work with.  Who knows?  All I know, is that from my perspective, things could have been better.  

And how about that time I said to my Dad over the phone on one of our long distance calls "I love you" and his reply was simply, "yup".  Jeh.

Things weren't any better for my sister and brother either.  I wasn't the only one affected by our parents behavior.  My brother would come out of his room madder than a wet hornet telling them to "shut the fuck up"! Can you imagine saying that to your parents who were drunk and arguing?  He had no patience for it and I completely understand.  Once when we were home alone, my brother and sister were fighting as they usually did and my sister held a knife to my brother!  Like, who's in charge of these kids?  Again, where the fuck are my parents?  I kind of chuckle about it now because we are all still alive and as well as we can be!  

Later in life, I had a couple of relationships that also affected my feelings of insecurity and my non- existent self worth mindset.  I used to attract narcissistic men who had no problem actually telling me how useless and worthless I was and reiterated that I actually couldn't do anything right.  Because of my belief that I was unlovable and worthless, I stayed in these relationships for about 30 years.  "You're chubby, you're legs are big, your fat".  "Shhhhhhhh".  "Sit down, you're making me nervous".  You're driving wrong, you're showering wrong (can't make it up), you wipe your ass wrong, do it like I do because your way is wrong.  You can't do anything right.  Do you see the pattern I'm in at this point?  

Through work with a counselor I learned that what I believed of myself, was actually attracting men that would treat me poorly.  I was an easy target and they could smell it a mile away.  It felt like a comfortable old shoe for me to be treated like that.  

I've had to make the very difficult decision to leave a relationship that is doing more harm than good not once, but twice!  Where the strength to do that comes from is hard to describe.  Here I am feeling like I'm nothing and nobody will ever love me, yet I've also somehow found the strength to get out of this damaging relationship to be better, to be the person I'm meant to be, and learn to love myself for who I am and not what someone wants me to be.   You ever heard of that song by Adele called "To Be Loved"?  I think she nailed it.  

The first relationship was 7 years.  I was young and still had a bit of sass left in me to realize this was not what I wanted my son to think a marriage or any relationship was supposed to be like.  The second relationship was 22 years and I tolerated a lot more than I should have for many years unfortunately. 

I could give more examples of what brought me to feel so worthless, but I'm pretty sure you get the idea by now.  

The changing point to finally end this madness and bad cycle I was in, and had been in for most of my life, came one day while talking to that same counselor.  She offered me a couple of options that I could present to my husband (at the time) and if he didn't agree, you have a big decision to make.  Stay and keep doing what you're doing, and let it continue to destroy you, or end the relationship.  

Prior to be actually saying the words out loud that "this is not working anymore", I had written down in a journal how I was feeling.  This is exactly what I wrote:

Feeling like: 

Guilty about everything

Difficult to make decisions

No coping skills

Withdrawn

Overwhelmed

Angry 

Resentful

Want to be alone/left alone

Excessive worrying

Can't do anything right

I hate myself - (fat ugly, stupid)

Feel ganged up on

Misunderstood

Can't get out of bed

Stay up late

Don't want to do anything

Crying a lot

Gritting my teeth in my sleep

Increased blood pressure

Thoughts - I'm a bad mother, bad wife, bad daughter, bad sister

I'm feeling trapped in my job

Everyone hates me

I'm annoying (even to myself)

Don't want sex at all

Don't feel happy

Questioning everything (Is it me?  Am I the problem here)

Allowing people to convince me it is me

I'm not taking care of myself

Reading those words to describe myself and how I was feeling at that time is hard.  How could I have gotten into such a state of mind?

After the decision was made to end the relationship, I stayed in a hole for about 9 months.  I felt so much guilt, I second guessed my decision to say/do something, I literally couldn't stand myself, I was petrified of the future, I even tried blaming.  I knew none of those feelings or thoughts were going to help me get through this, but you can't stop the feelings from coming.  So you learn to process them the right way so you don't bring them with you and repeat the cycle again.  I was doing an excessive amount of looking in the mirror to really see what I could do differently too.  Nobody is innocent in these types of situations.  

I went through a lot in the next couple of years (the house was sold, the divorce was final, I had to find a place to live that I could afford on just my income, my Mom died in the middle of all of it, and I still had to work on myself without faltering if I was ever going to break the cycle).  In all that chaos, one day, as I sat there worrying about how I was going to do it on my own, I realized over a year had passed and I had actually been doing it on my own that whole time!  

I have done a ton of work on myself since this time and although it wasn't easy, it was worth every minute of uncomfortable, difficult work.  Uncomfortable is where you grow.  

Some of the self work that helped me through this whole process (and by no means am I done) were:

1.  Mirror work (cringy as a mo fo and extremely out of my comfort zone)

2.  A lot of reading (self help, mindfulness etc)

3.  Positive affirmations/I am statements (hung up in my home office where I spend a lot of time each day)

4.  Spending time with friends and not isolating myself

5.  Saying yes to everything

6.  Having lots of heart to heart conversations with close trusted friends I felt very safe with

7.  Learning to stop negative self talk (BIG ONE)

8.  Learning to control overthinking with mindfulness (thoughts are not truths!!!)

9.  Self care/doing things that I enjoy with myself to think, reflect and rest when needed (going to the beach alone and listening to my favorite music, hiking alone, going for drives, chasing sunsets, taking a trip to my hometown and just reminiscing, pedicures, manicures, bubble baths, face masks etc.)

Something someone said to me still stays with me today and that was "the easiest way to help yourself is to help someone else".

Although this is my very first blog and it's sort of an intro, I hope the stories and information I share in coming months will be helpful to you or someone in some way.

If my writing helps just one person, then the courage it took me to write this down and put it out there will be more than worth it.  

As I continue to heal and grow, I have realized that I really enjoy helping others.  I feel like I have more to give and hopefully this blog will serve as a platform for me to do just that.  Helping others fills my cup!  

Stay tuned............

"Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome." - Brene Brown