I'm fine. You're fine. We're all fine.

Her palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

There's vomit on her sweater already, Bob's spaghetti

She's nervous, but on the surface, she looks calm and ready........................... 

Bahahahahahahahaha!  If you know, you know.  

No, seriously though, my palms were sweaty as heck!

It's not everyday you get asked to speak on stage in front of a crowd about your life experiences (both good and bad), and how they molded you into the person you are today.  We were to tell our story, and how it helped us become strong, resilient, inspirational, bad ass women.  Sounds pretty easy!  Any chance to uplift and empower women is an immediate "heeeellllll yyyeeaaaahhh" for me.  Wendy 2.0 is excited to be part of this amazing event!  

Wendy 1.0 is lurking the darkness, ready to fuck up my shit.

The creator of the event (Motivate Her Mindset Workshop), Stacey Coleman, explained the stage would be set up like her living room with the two of us just chatting about stuff as if we were actually at her home.  Sounds great!  I love all of this.  

We would have some questions before the event to think about and prepare for the talk.  Again, love this.

Each speaker would have 20 minutes approximately on the stage with Stacey.  LOVE.  

I can do this.  It's helping people and we all know I love to help people.  This is going to be awesome and I can't wait to speak in front of a crowd.  In fact, one of my goals in 2024 was to do a public speaking gig. Still loving it all.  This is right up Wendy 2.0's alley!  I'm super proud of myself and I'm going to do great!

Wendy 1.0 coming in hot................uninvited.

"You're not going to be able to answer the questions, your mind will go blank and you'll look like an idiot.  I know you.  You don't have a story and nobody is going to relate to you.  Everyone else on the speaking panel has done way more than you and everyone in the crowd will know it and wonder why you're even there.  Everyone else on the speaking panel is super successful and you're not.  You have a regular job and what you have to say is not as important.  You're older and are just figuring stuff out.  These guys are young and have figured it out already.  You've done literally nothing.  Let them talk, and you should back out."

Wendy 2.0:  OMG are we doing this AGAIN?  Goes to the mirror and turns on the brightest light, looks at herself in the face and says:

"You are beautiful inside and out.  You have every right to be here speaking about your story and you will impact at LEAST one person in the room at the event when you speak.  Cut the shit.  You're amazing and you are going to be great.  Believe it."

I go back to my regularly scheduled life and repeat every day when I wake up (not in the mirror, but in my head):

You're fine.   Everything is fine.  I've done all this work and I believe in myself and I'm doing this and whatever happens happens.  I could fail, but even if I fail, I will grow for doing it.  You have gotten responses from so many people who relate to your blogs and you will be talking about the same things in your blogs.  Everything has been positive, so there is nothing to back up your intrusive, negative thoughts.  What your thoughts are telling you is not true.  Repeat after me, nothing is going to get you down today.  Today is a great day!  You are amazing and you are going to be great at the event!  

In the meantime, I was obsessing over the questions and memorizing what I was going to say one day, and the next telling myself to just chill out and have a conversation with your friend Stacey as if you were in her living room.  NO big deal.  Then writing the answers down to the questions and reading them over and over.  Chill.  It's not that serious.  Relax.  

This went on for a couple weeks.  

About a week before the event, Stacey organized a meet up for the speakers to meet and talk.  It was unbelievable!  We all met for coffee and told a bit about our story to each other.  I had an instant connection with each and every woman at the meeting!  I left there (as did all of us) feeling like we could do anything and like we could conquer the world!  It was an amazing experience.  I knew right then and there that I was meant to be at this event speaking and these were my people!  I felt like nothing could get me down and the event was going to be empowering and impactful without a doubt!  The excitement was growing to ridiculous levels!  We even talked about meeting up on the regular to chat and just be around each other because of our newly found connection and instant friendships.  We were all in.  

It was time for the event!  

A couple things to mention...........there were going to be approximately 200 people there!  I was the last speaker.  OH EM GEE!  I was so nervous again and felt like a cat in a room full of rocking chairs!  

I got there a bit early of course so I could get a feel.  Stacey and Jesse were there setting up and getting everything ready for the big night.  I got to sit on stage with Stacey and test the mics.  I felt like this big scary thing was not so bad, and I could do this.  

Stacey encouraged us to wear what we were most comfortable in with no dress code.  I decided to wear my favorite t-shirt that says "Be Kind", a pair of jeans and a pair of sparkly/glittery high top Chuck Taylors with rose gold trim!  If you know me, you know that's about as authentic as I get.  The BE KIND is a reminder to myself to be kind to myself, by the way.  If you've read my blogs, you know it's an everyday struggle and reminder to be kind to myself.  I'm getting better at it.  

People start arriving and I'm taken aback by some of the guests.  There are people from my former places of employment, my high school friends, people I've known over the years that I haven't seen in years and years and just so many special people!  I'm humbled and in awe.  Have I made such an impact to these people?  Ain't no way.   

As I sit though all the speakers and hear their stories, I realize I AM there for a reason and I have a message also.  My message is important and needs to be heard.  I'm surrounded by people that love me and came to hear what I have to say.  My best friend Kathryn is sitting at my table and so is my love, Bob.  I'm so lucky to have this opportunity and to have the people I love supporting me.  

That sounds so nice!  Although it's true, I'm actually shitting my pants, sweating, and I can't speak or think clearly while waiting for my turn.  I'm a WRECK.  Please nobody talk to me or ask me anything.  I need to go over my notes!  I've forgotten everything I'm going to say!  I have to pee.  I'm going to puke.  UGH!!!!

I'm being introduced!  My body gets up from the table on it's own and walks up on the stage and sits down calmly with Stacey to talk.  The next thing I know........it's over.  

Did I do well?  Did I say ANYTHING I wanted to say?  I joked around too much!  WTF just happened?  Suddenly, we're having a dance party at my own urging, people are hugging me, my friends are telling me I did an awesome job.  Okay, I did it!!!  Phew!  

We wrap it up after one more surprise speaker and after many more hugs, we leave the event.  I'm feeling empowered, inspired, proud, questioning if I did well, had I made an impact, and just emotional.

I'm in my own vehicle and I'm alone for the ride home.  I cry all the way home.  Not because I was sad.  Because I was proud of myself, I knew I had made an impact just like everyone else that spoke, all the worrying was over, the nervousness I had been dealing with was in the past and I just felt like releasing all the energy.  

After the event I received so much positive feedback, nice messages, texts, inquires about the book I had mentioned that was life changing to me (Worthy by Jamie Kern Lima), and overall just a great feeling about what I had done, and the message I shared at this event.  I was so grateful to Stacey for giving me the opportunity to tell my story and for allowing me to be part of this amazing event!  Not to mention I had met some amazing women that I have not seen the last of yet!  

The experience was a 10/10 and I would recommend it to anyone who has the opportunity to do it!  I'm hoping to speak again in front of a crowd and to continue to be impactful with my story and my message.  

I also think this blog is stupid and I'm over it BIG TIME.  See ya!  😂😂😂😂

"Each of us must confront our own fears, must come face to face with them. How we handle our fears will determine where we go with the rest of our lives. To experience adventure or to be limited by the fear of it." - Judy Blume

You Can Run, But You Can't Hide

I hear the words and my ears get hot, my face is on fire and red.  My body is hot and I can't control my urge to cry.  I want nothing more than NOT to cry, but I simply can't stop it from happening.  

I want to just be quiet and say nothing.  But then here's the water works.  I'm angry for not being able to stop it.  I'm embarrassed.   My mind is filled with thoughts that aren't true, past scenarios, past relationships, pride, anger, thoughts of inadequacy, I'm not good enough and I never will be, if you don't like me the way I am then fuck all the way off, I'm not cut out for relationships, it's easier to be alone and so on and so on.  I'm overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions.  Way overwhelmed.  The urge to flee is strong.  Fight or flight.........RUN.  

I've been triggered!  I hate that cliche word, but that's exactly what happened. 

I continue to cry and try to figure out what is going on.  I can only guess that the crying is my body's way of trying to regulate itself and all the overwhelming thoughts and feelings I'm experiencing.  They are almost impossible to control.  So instead of lashing out, getting revenge and trying to hurt back, running away, and lord knows what else, I cry.  This goes on for a bit.  

I don't run.  I just cry.  I finally get a tissue and sit with the person who never intended to get this reaction from me and definitely didn't expect it.  You see, I know this person would never hurt me or say anything to make me feel this way.  I feel safe with this person.  So there I sit still not saying anything.  I remind myself of this even though I'm feeling hurt, angry and embarrassed.  

I realize that even though I can't stop crying, I am controlling myself.  I'm controlling my thoughts by asking myself some important questions while this is going on and telling myself what the actual situation is.  Is what this person said correct? yes.  Did they intend to hurt me?  No.  Did they say it in a caring way?  Yes.  Why do you want to run?  Because that's what I've done in the past.  Is this like something in your past?  No.  Take a deep breath.  Figure it out.  Calm down.  Do not speak until you can speak calmly and with some intelligence.  

The key message here is the recognizing and the pausing.  Do you now how far I've come to be able to do that?  I was able to turn negative emotions and thoughts into reality and control the trigger from self destruction and making it into something it wasn't.  Growth.  

I was able to sit down and  explain what I was feeling and why, and the reason I was crying so much.  Poor guy was like "what in the actual hell is going on here?"

I had caught myself.  I am so proud of that!  I recognized I was reacting to what was said due to my past and not the actual words begin said today.  By pausing and considering the situation and not letting my negative thoughts or emotions take over, I was being emotionally intelligent AF.  

Some of you won't get this and some of you will, but I felt like a queen.  First of all because of the amazing person I happened to be with and how he just took it all in and was super kind to me.  But also because I realized.  I realized, I realized, I realized.  I fucking realized.

When we were young, we didn't really talk about emotions or show them.  We went to our room and dealt with shit by ourselves. We didn't even know how to deal with it.  We just handled it, right or wrong.  I realize I'm older and some people get this WAY earlier than I am, but it's never too late and you're never too old to get better and grow.  

Why do we want to strive to do this? 

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand, use, and manage your own emotions in positive ways to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, overcome challenges and defuse conflict. It is very important in personal relationships, work and overall well being.  

Recognize trigger situations.  Take pause and reflect.  Figure it out before you speak or react in a negative way.  Ask yourself some questions to make head or tails of it.  Remember, your thoughts are out to get you A LOT!  Don't let those little shits get away with it.  

The Power of Self Awareness!!   Recognize when emotions are influencing behavior.  (am I being a crazy bitch again?) LOL kidding, but not really.  😳  Be less crazy.  

Is is rational or is it emotional?  Recognize the power of emotions.  Seek different perspectives, utilize logic and reasoning, learn from past experiences, practice self awareness, seek support and feedback if warranted.  Be an FBI agent against your own damn self if you have to.  

This all builds self esteem. increased satisfaction in life and self acceptance.  (Be the queen you know you are!)

So I guess just catch yourself letting your emotions dictate your behavior.  Pause.  Reset.  Ask yourself the logic of it and keep practicing.  The mind is a dangerous thing and it can be your worst enemy.  Don't let it!  Control your mind and start living!

Well I've exposed myself enough for one night.  Seee yerrrrrrr!  

“Feelings are self-justifying, with a set of perceptions and "proofs" all their own.” 
― Daniel Goleman

The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round....

 

My name is Wendy.  I'll be your bus driver for the day.  Keep your feet and hands out of the aisles and stay seated.

The bus I'm driving isn't taking kids to school or people to work, or the mall or anything.  In fact it's not taking me or anyone else anywhere worth going.  It's the Struggle Bus.  It's taking me and anyone else on it to the land of overthinking.  This is not a vacation and it is not a trip to a show.  

This bus isn't playing T-Swizz on the radio.  What it's playing is thoughts over and over in your head and most of them are made up stories you've created that are not even true!  

OMG they haven't replied to my text, they're probably mad at me.  Does he even love me anymore?  My butt looks yucky in these jeans.  They looked at me funny - they probably hate me.  I drank a bit too much last night-I wonder if I said anything to offend or annoy anyone?  That dog acted like he didn't like me - did I do something to cause it?  Someone says something to you in a tone and you perseverate on it all day thinking you did something to cause it.  Are my nails too long?  Did I talk too much? I made a mistake at work today and I'm probably getting fired.  I feel like my boyfriend is going to break up with me.  Why didn't I get that promotion?  Probably because.......and we make something up in our head.  You child does something wrong or makes bad decisions and you find yourself taking it all on and thinking you caused it and must have done something wrong or been a shitty parent.  And the list goes on and on..............

and on and on.

We do something, hear something, experience something and then punch ourselves repeatedly in the face with the "coulda shoulda woulda".  How about I think of everything I've ever done and find issue with it.  Or let me just question EVERYTHING all the time.  

Over thinking can cause stress, anxiety, depression, insomnia, relationship strains and just over all trouble.  

The first step is to realize you're doing it.  Then keep recognizing it.  

Then there's the willingness to make a change.  Am I willing?

There are many ways you can try to redirect your thoughts, but the key is to realize you're doing it and wanting to stop it or at least decrease the amount of time you waste on it.  

Nobody has all the answers here.  You have to decide what works for you.  It's a never ending process, but it does decrease and gets better if you work at it and have the desire to want to change it.  I for one, get frustrated with myself when I overthink.  I know I'm doing it.  Now I practice getting rid of it which helps me gain control of it.  

Ways I've been able to combat overthinking are as follows: (but I still do it)

1.  Counting/Meditation - take a moment and inhale for 7-8 seconds, hold for 7-8 seconds and then exhale for 7-8 second.  Do that repeatedly until you've forgotten about thinking and are just counting.  When you lose count and find your mind wandering again, start over breathing and counting until you feel less anxious and in better control of your thoughts.  I use that one a lot because nobody knows you're doing it and you can do it in the car and at a game or at your desk etc.

2.  Call yourself out.  Question your thoughts.  Does this make sense?  Is there any evidence to back up the stories you are creating in your head?  Tell yourself to cut the shit.  Leave it there and don't take it with you in future thoughts.  If you bring it up in your head again, repeat.  Keep repeating until suddenly it's not coming up anymore because your brain knows you're not accepting it.  

3.  Write in a journal or notebook.  Sometimes writing it down allows you to see your thoughts on paper in front of you and now you can see how ridiculous some of them are.  It also helps to get it out.  One of my favorite lines in a song is "if I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to".  Brilliant!!!  The song is called "Breathe" by Anna Nalick.  You're welcome.  Epic song. 

4.  Practice gratitude every day.  Think positively.  Be kind.  Help others.  In fact, kill them with kindness.  I received a prompted journal for Christmas from a special young lady and its called "The 5 Minute Journal".  It says "Start and End Your Day With Mindfulness".  You write in it in the morning and evening.  It has prompts like this: 

This morning I am grateful for:

Something I can achieve today is:

Something I can do today that relaxes me:

My intention for today is:  

How mindful do you feel you were today and what can you do tomorrow to be even a little bit more mindful?

What are you feeling most grateful for tonight?

What do you want your intention to be for tomorrow?

I don't know if you all know this, but I'm an FBI agent on the side!  haha.  So you can be one too by getting investigative with your thoughts.  Get the bottom of them.  Lay out the facts.  Do they make sense?  If there isn't enough evidence to back up that fake story you are telling yourself, get rid of it.  

Honestly, the person that didn't reply to your text is probably busy.  If not, oh well.  I like me so who cares if he/she doesn't.  

If he or she doesn't love you anymore, there's not much you can do about it.  And you shouldn't be seeking validation from outside sources anyway.  Love yourself and let that be enough.

Chances are, you butt looks awesome in those jeans and someone agrees!  If not, it's a butt, don't obsess over it.  Poop comes out of it.  

If someone gives you a look, smile and move on.  Maybe they are having a bad day.  If you didn't do anything, it's not you.  Keep trucking along.  Leave that right where it began.

If you drank too much and feel you said something or did something to offend or annoy someone, find the facts.  What did you do or say to offend or annoy?  If you can't come up with something, you likely didn't do that.  Ask a friend that was there.  Figure out if you have any right to be doing this to yourself. 

As for the dog..........just stop.  It's definitely you, not the dog!  The dog did nothing so just stop it! 

Wear your nails the way you want.  

Talk as much as you want.  

Your child's decisions are not your decisions.  Especially when they are old enough to be on their own, fight for the country or buy tobacco/alcohol.  Give them guidance and support them as much as you can.  They may do things and make decisions you wish they didn't, but hopefully they will grow and learn from them.  People have had multiple kids and raised them the same, and in the same environment, but one fucks up and the other's don't.  It's a mystery.  All you can hope for is they learn from it.  

When you do the work and you begin to catch yourself and redirect yourself and control your thoughts, you begin to win!  Controlling your thoughts is the ultimate prize and one of the secrets to living a better life.  Change is possible with the right strategies and mindset.  Practice practice practice.  

Oops, here's my stop!  Time to get off this bus!

YOU'VE GOT THIS!!!  I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!

"I've learned a lesson that stressin' and obsession' bout somebody else is no fun......."  -Taylor Swift

 

Peaceful Easy Feeling

Did you know it's okay to let people be who they want to be and do what they want to do even if you don't agree with it?  (yes, there is a bit of sarcasm there)

I bet you don't realize just how much wasted energy you mays spend on trying to control other people.  You  probably don't know you're doing it actually.  Believe me, you are the only person suffering.  You simply can't force your expectations onto others.  

You find out your friends have made plans without you.  You feel hurt.  You start perseverating on it and wondering why you didn't get invited.  You WANTED to be invited.  Everyone wants to be invited.  Guess what?  You're not going to be invited to everything.  Suck it up.  

You think your child should go to college, but they don't want to.  They want to get a job or go to a trade school instead.  But everyone in your family went to college and you think your child should too.  I can think of a million scenarios about your children that would fit in the category and some that don't.  Your child is an individual and at some point will make their own decisions.  Support them.  Let them fuck up.  Let them figure it out.  They may surprise you!  

You really like someone and think you'd be a good match to date, but they don't want to date you or maybe they just don't want a relationship right now.  So be it.  It's not about you.  

Someone is talking very loudly on the phone in a public place where everyone is in close quarters.  You're completely annoyed or angry about it because you think it's rude.  Perhaps it is, but what can you do about it?  Frankly I'd listen quietly to the conversation.  Let this guy be a total tool bag.  Who cares?  Don't let it affect your mood or vibe.  

The moment you allow people to be who they are and do what they want to do is the day you find a lot more peace.  Let the friends go do something without you, let your young adult decide what they want to do and learn from it.  Let them fail.  Let them succeed.  Let the person talk loudly on the phone in public.  Let the person that doesn't want to date you go.  See yeeerrrrrrrrrr!  You can't make people match your expectations so stop trying and wasting your time and energy.

I guess what I'm trying to say is if you can't control it, let it be.  It likely has nothing to do with you so don't make it about you.  

Have you heard of the "Let Them Theory" by Mel Robbins that went viral with 20 million views and 1.5 million likes not to mention the thousands of comments?  It works.  

When I listened to the Mel Robbins podcast about the "Let Them" theory, I knew I had made progress in my life.  I'm not perfect, but I can truly say I practice the "let them" on a regular basis and didn't know about this theory officially.  I was proud to say that I found a way to have this mindset without seeing the viral video and before I knew who Mel Robbins was or listened to the podcast.  

She calls this need to control and have people match your expectations a form of anxiety.  So I've been working on, and succeeding at, decreasing my anxiety without really knowing it.  I just accepted and practiced the idea of letting everyone be who they want and do what they want.  You can control who you are and what you do.  You can control how you react to the actions of others.  You can control how much you want people in your life or if you want them in your life at all.

Letting people be who they are will allow you to see exactly who they are and then you get to decide where to go from there.  This is true in love relationships too.  Let the person you are dating be exactly who they are and encourage them to do so.  Then you get to decide if you can handle it or if you feel you are compatible.  If you like everything about them (the good, bad and ugly) it might be true love!  

I've also learned along the way......I should be exactly who I am at all times.  If I'm not, I'm doing people a disservice.  I'm making it hard for them to know the real me.  People can't make a decision about me if they don't see the real me.  If they decide I'm too much or my hair is too bushy, well, so be it.  I am who I am!  haha. 

When you try to make someone they're not and expect certain things or behavior from them, you're headed for disappointment and frustration.  

Everyone wants a peaceful easy feeling.  (any excuse to inject The Eagles in there)

Bottom line is.....when you're in the situation, ask yourself "does any of this shit really affect me"?  "In the big picture, is this going to change my life?"  No, it's not.  Let it go and let those fuckers be.  

You do YOU Boo! ❤️

"It's not the big moves that that change everything--it's the smallest ones in your everyday life that do" -Mel Robbins

"Good Grief Charle Brown"

Grief is a big fat douche canoe. 

It is not limited to the death of a loved one. 

Grief can come as the result of all different kinds of losses.  It CAN be the death of a loved one, family member, partner, pet etc.  That is the type most people think of when they think of grief.  It can also be the loss of a marriage, a dream you had planned or goal, a friendship, a home/community, a job, your health, your youth, fertility, miscarriage and more.

I've dealt with both types of grief in the past several years to a great extent, and I just wanted to write about it.  

Since late 2020, I've lost both of my parents, a father in law who I thought the world of, the man I thought I would be married to for the rest of my life, his family who were like a second family to me, some "marriage friends", my home, my community, an employer I had been at for 10 years, a cat and a very dear friend.  

When you divorce, you lose a dream you once had, you lose your sense of security, the future seems so uncertain and scary.  You feel like a failure.  It feels similar to a death.  At least that's how I felt.

When you lose a parent, no matter what the relationship looked like, it's a big loss.  When you lose them both in a short period of time, it's pretty rough.  You feel alone even if you didn't see them all the time or have the greatest relationship.  You can't call your mom or dad if you need to.  Even if you didn't talk to them all the time,  it's still the thought of it not being an option anymore.  It feels sort of like you're a kid on your own if that makes any sense.  I had to fight off guilt because the relationships weren't as good as they could have been, and I was asking myself "should I have done more while they were still here?"  

On top of all that, when you have to move out of your home where your kids grew up, where your beloved pets are buried out back, where so many memories were made and where you created a dream, it's traumatic.  It's a loss.  You no longer live in that community where the neighbors know you, the people at the local store know you, where you feel comfortable and secure.

You no longer spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, any holidays actually, with the people you've spent them with for the past 22 years.  You no longer get invited to parties or gatherings you used to go to.  You can't drive to Millinocket or Little Deer Isle to visit your parents.  You drive a different way to work and you don't have any friends at the new job.  You have to start from scratch on your dreams and goals or realize they look very different now.  You can't call up that friend you lost for advice or just to talk anymore.  Your life is over as you knew it.  Some of this may seem trivial, but when it's all at once, everything feels big. 

I was wondering if all this loss was ever going to stop!

It took me a while to actually realize what I was going through was grief.  Once I did, I felt like I could deal with it better and the realization motivated me to get through it because I knew I had some tools to help me through it.  I knew there were different stage to grief and I wanted to learn more about them so I could process the feelings I was having.  

Back to the internet we go!  Google that shit.  I found the following were stages of guilt but don't come at me if you don't agree.  There are no rules here. 

Denial.  This is not happening, I don't want it to be happening, I'm just going to not think about it and not deal with it.  

Anger.  Why did this shit happen?  Why me?  Blaming others.  Maybe you're not blaming anyone in particular, but deflecting from yourself and having to feel the pain.  

Bargaining.  Thoughts about how things could have been done differently or better.  Negotiations are your thoughts attempting to exchange one thing for another.  

Depression.  You may experience the emotions associated with depression like emotional detachment, sadness, hopelessness, decreased coping skills, decreased desire to do the things that bring you joy etc.

Acceptance.  Eventually, most people accept or embrace the reality of the loss even if the pain is still there.  This is the "you never get over it, but learn to live with it". 

Not everyone who grieves experiences all these stages, and not everyone feels them in the same order or for the same amount of time.  Again, there are no rules when it comes to grief.  There is no time limit and everyone processes grief in their own time frame.  Always handle yourself with kindness and grace during this time. 

Any type of loss is very difficult to get through.  I remember feeling like "I'm never getting out of this, I'm going to feel like this forever".  Don't give up on yourself.  Gather information.  Learn the process to get through.  Seek out tools and resources to help you through it.  Take action to be sure you are taking care of your mental health during these difficult experiences.  

Guys, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES.  You can't take care of anyone else if you are not taking care of yourself. Be a priority!  Keep going.  Fuck shit up.

“Owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky, but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” - Brene Brown

 

That's Not A Spouse.

The first time (I remember) wanting to know more about the term "Empath" was when I was 49-50 years old.  I googled the term and read an article that was titled something like "Loving An Empath".  

Since the article described me to a "T", I thought I'd show it to my husband at the time to give him some insight.  The response I got after he read it was "that's not a spouse".  So then comes the thoughts of I've done something wrong.  Being who I am is wrong.  I'm not relationship material and certainly not marriage material.  

Basically, "It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me".  🙋🏻‍♀️ (I will use ANY opportunity to inject Taylor Swift into this blog).

Jump forward to this summer when a friend asked me this question........."what is your superpower"?  

The answer I gave was empathy.    It's not a flaw, or a mistake, or a shortcoming, a defect or a fail.  Empathy is my super power.

Empathy helps you understand others more and allows you to connect with them differently.  This builds our resilience - the ability to bounce back after challenges.  

As a rule, I think people hear the word empath and think it's a made up term to describe someone who's too sensitive.  

It's actually putting yourself in someone else's shoes and feeling how they feel.  It's a blessing and curse and can suck the life out of you.  Sometimes you need time to reset.

By reset, I mean spend some time alone and clear your mind and unplug from it all.  I have used hiking to do that quite a bit.  I've done some long solo hikes and long solo days at the beach just to feel rested mentally and emotionally.  Take yourself out for a day and do the things that bring you joy.  After all, you will be spending the rest of your life with yourself.  You might as well treat yourself right and enjoy your own company!  Be you own best friend. You're pretty cool to hang you with you know!

It's important to know that spending time with yourself and doing things for yourself is absolutely 100% acceptable.  You do not have to answer to anyone about it either.  

My thoughts on the term or label of "empath" are mixed.  I think it is a thing, but I feel like people run away with it a little too much sometimes.  Like "I have ESP, or I have special powers". I just think it's referring to people who have BIG feelings, have a natural and strong ability to put themselves in other's shoes, and have a very strong intuition.  They are very good at reading people also. 

Maybe they're born with it, maybe its Maybelline.  🤷🏻‍♀️

Empathy, according to Merriaim-Webster is "the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another."

Empathy is a blessing.  It's a blessing to be able to feel for others and put yourself in their shoes because you're seeing the world from more than just your perspective.  It's the glue that holds relationships together.  When you can understand other's emotions and perspectives, they feel validated, it builds trust, helps healing and leads to greater relationships and happiness.

Empathy is a curse.  It's a curse at times because you can experience emotional overload, take on others feelings or "problems" and feel as though you need to fix them.  You have to be able to separate your feelings from the feelings of others and figure out which ones are yours and which ones are not.  That can be a challenge at times.  Empathy can also be a curse just because it becomes heavy at times.  I have found myself saying that I wish I didn't have empathy so I wouldn't give a shit sometimes.  Somedays I just don't want to give a shit, but I always do.  It's who I am.  But sometimes I want a day off from being this way.  Ever want to just not give a hoot?  

So I guess you could say I'm an Empath..........or not.  Who knows and who cares?  What I do know is I am a good person and was a good spouse.  Being who I am and feeling the way I feel does not make me a bad spouse or person.  It actually makes me amazing!  

So you go ahead and be your authentic self too and keep being amazing!  Fuck em'.  

"Empathy has no script.  There is no right way or wrong way to do it.  It's simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of 'You're not alone'." - Brene Brown

Sit Right In It

We are not supposed to talk about our feelings, let alone deal with them. Fuck that. Let's talk about the elephant in the room. Shall we? 

I didn't deal with my feelings or sit in them or really acknowledge them until I was 50 years old.  By the way, it's NEVER too late to deal with this stuff.  Being the person you want to be is a lifelong work in progress and may also change several times.  It's ongoing.  It's never too late to look in the mirror, find out why you are the way you are, and make changes for the better. 

They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.  

For me, the insanity was continuing negative self talk, not setting boundaries and having low self worth/esteem.  I also put up with behavior from others that did not serve me or make me happy.  It actually took from me...THAT was insanity.  If you don't do something to change the way you feel, you will continue to do the same things you've been doing (which are not working or bringing you joy).  You will continue to bleed into others that don't deserve it.  If you bring all those bad/negative things to the next relationship, friendship, or whatever it may be, it will be doomed for failure.  

We need to deal with our feelings.  What I mean by dealing with our feelings is that we need to acknowledge them, identify them, decide what we can do about them, and finally find a way to let go of the ones that aren't doing us any good.  

Ignoring our feelings or pushing them down and not dealing with them will cause us to keep on doing the same thing or attracting the same things or people (negativity, narcissistic partners, bad friends etc). 

It's okay to sit in your feelings for a bit while you work them out, but not too long.  Sit in the feelings long enough to process them out.  That's it.  No perseverating on them, obsessing about them, overthinking them or dwelling on them.  Get in there with them, then get out.  While sitting in your feelings, it's okay to be sad, cry for as long as it takes, be mad, be emotional, be hurt, be disappointed, be annoyed or whatever it is that you're feeling.  Don't live there though.  Although there is no set time limit for how long this process takes, be sure to take action at some point. Only you will know when it's time.    

One of the first things I did was start writing.  Write your feelings down.  Write how or what you feel.  Write why you feel this way.  Write what you can do about it.  Give yourself permission to feel this way and give yourself some grace for feeling this way.  Then give yourself permission to let it go.  Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you process and release them.  It can be a great way to gain clarity and insight into your emotions.  

Say it out loud to yourself or in the mirror vs. writing, but get it out somehow.  I find that looking at the words or hearing the way I'm feeling and WHY (out loud), helps me see the whole picture.

Sometimes, after you let things go, they can and most likely will find their way back to your thoughts/heart.  That mind of yours is always trying to kick your ass when you're not looking.  Sigh...  

When you find yourself thinking about it again or feeling that way, catch yourself.  Tell yourself you already let that go, so there is nothing to think about or feel about this anymore.  You've let that go.  Repeat as many times as you need to.  Don't allow the past to continue to occupy any of your time if you've already let those thoughts and feelings go.  

Change YOUR narrative.  Retrain your mind.  Re-write your story.  Leave the past and any bad feelings it has brought to you right where it is - behind you.  Look forward and move forward - the only direction you need to go.

If you surround yourself with positivity you will think and behave positively.  Believe this.  It is absolutely true.

At the same time, if you surround yourself with negativity, you will think and behave negatively.  And that is EXACTLY what you will attract.  We get more of what we focus on.

We control our own lives.  We are in charge of our own destiny.  Nobody can make these changes in our mind but US.  As I said in my last blog, it's work.  It's always going to be work.  Embrace it.  

Think about what conversations you are having in your head.  Who and what are you listening to?  Remember, your thoughts are not truths!  I'll say that again......................

THOUGHTS ARE NOT TRUTHS.

Change your environment if warranted.  Make sure you are surrounding yourself with positive people.  Think positive thoughts and challenge negative ones.  Shift your focus.  

Teach yourself to be present.  Get off your phone.  Get off social media for a bit.  Social media can cause you to have negative thoughts and also negative self talk.  Take a break if you need to.  You won't miss it.  I promise!  At a minimum, "snooze" the people that bring negativity to your feed.

Work on personal growth.  Read books.  Listen to podcasts.  Google articles on personal growth.  

Treat yourself with kindness and self-compassion.  Don't be too hard on yourself.  Letting go is a process that takes time and patience and work.  I have a tattoo on my forearm that says "Be Kind".  It's a reminder to me to be kind to myself.  The tattoo is not facing out so others can see it.  It's facing me.  I still need a constant reminder!

Speaking to a therapist or counselor can be helpful in processing or letting go of feelings, past traumas and emotional baggage.  

Forgiveness is a very powerful tool for letting go.  Carrying around grudges or resentment can be a heavy burden.  Mel Robbins said: "Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace".  Amen my sister!

Get out there and exercise!  Go for a walk, hike, run or bike. Go to the gym, do some weight training, join a kickboxing class, etc.  Move your body.  Release those endorphins.  Improve your mood and set yourself up to think positively.

Clean up!  Decluttering your physical environment can be symbolic of letting go.  It can also reduce stress and make it easier to focus on what's important.

One thing I did almost everyday for the past couple of years and am still doing quite often is talking to friends about my feelings and seeking their support.  This is instrumental in the processing and letting go of feelings.  

I'm writing about this stuff because I've done it and used these tools personally.  If I can do it, you can too. I know it is WORK, and it's not exactly fun, but with the right focus and a little bit of consistency you can put this stuff behind you for good.  And on occasion, when it pops back up then just sit in it for a minute...just don't sit too long.  😉

There will be days that you JUST don't wanna do it. Fucking do it anyway. DO IT ANYWAY!

"A mindset will not change the shitty situation you're in.  A positive mindset changes YOU, which changes your ability to deal with the shitty situation that you're in". - Mel Robbins

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