Storm: A violent disturbance of the atmosphere with strong winds and usually rain, thunder, lightning and snow.
Yeah, that sounds about right.
Other words associated with storm: uproar, commotion, furor, attack, stomp.
Pretty much.
I have this "thing" I am currently allowing in my life, where I go into a state of mind that sucks. When I'm in this state of mind I feel like I'm not loved.......by myself or anyone else. I feel so alone although I have people that love me so much around and available. (Maybe because I'm the only one that can hear my thoughts). I feel sad sometimes, but mostly unworthy, not enough, like a loser, stupid, annoyed, ugly, crazy.
My thoughts are negative and I question everything during this time. Especially my relationships. My mind will not stop coming up with fake scenarios that I know are not true, but my mind/thoughts won't shut up about it and trying to convince me it's true. It's annoying and I really don't want to deal with it anymore and never wanted to deal with it in the first place.
Sometimes it's not present at all. Sunny Skies! I love that. I want to always feel loved, worthy, confident and happy. Who doesn't, right?
I'm not exactly sure what triggers it each time, but I do know it has to do with past experiences I've had that unfortunately have impacted and altered the way I think. Sometimes I don't realize I'm in the storm until a couple of days have passed. Like a storm, it always passes. But when it's here, I want to run away and isolate myself, I get very quiet, my mood is unreadable, I want to cry and feel sorry for myself. I can't shut my mind off and most mornings I actually wake up like this. I absolutely hate it. I start trying to convince myself that Bob doesn't love me, my friends don't like me, everyone thinks I'm stupid and ugly and nobody wants to be around me, and other nonsense. You see, I "know" it's not true, but I can't shut up the thoughts. Super frustrating and annoying, right? It's like I'm in a street fight with myself and there are no winners here.
I'm tired of fighting with myself inside. Why am I so sensitive? Why do my feelings get hurt so easily (mostly by me!)? Why am I sick of myself? Why do I have to feel and think so deeply all the time? Can't I just surface think and feel for a while? Like.........relax, Jesus Christ Wendy.
Sometimes I wish I was someone else, because nobody else could possibly feel this way, right? Someone confident and easy to love. Someone who doesn't think too deeply about everything. Someone who doesn't get provoked by stupid stuff. Someone who doesn't give a sweet shit all the time.
I try to minimize it by saying to myself that I didn't have it as bad as others have and I should't feel this way. I tell myself I need to stop feeling this way. But the truth is, comparing your pain to other's pain is saying your pain doesn't matter. It does matter. Pain is pain. Don't minimize yours because someone else had it worse off than you.
So I started to research this and why I feel this way. What is provoking this storm? Basically, what the fuck?
This is what I found:
Things to consider if you feel unworthy:
1. Childhood experiences.
Shit like growing up in an alcoholic home, late night drunken fighting on school nights, babysitters, little affection, handling your emotions with no guidance, no direction, no conversations about emotions or other important life lesson things, etc. (Things that cause you to tell yourself you're unloveable at an early age) This is just the childhood stuff. Never mind the stuff that you experience after this.
2. Negative self-talk.
If you've been doing this as long as I have, it's very difficult to retrain your brain to talk positively about yourself. Challenge the negative thoughts about yourself. Remember, thoughts are not truths. They are just thoughts. Some of which you cannot control.
3. Comparison to Others.
This is the thief of joy! Don't do it. If you catch yourself doing it, stop it from going any further.
4. Unrealistic expectations. (holding yourself to higher standards which are difficult to meet - leading to failure)
5. Body image issues.
All of the above apply at times. π€¦π»ββοΈπ
Strategies to help:
Self compassion - be kind to yourself and accept yourself for who you are (self acceptance)
Positive affirmations - challenge negative thoughts, repeat positive statements. Hang a bunch in your room so you see them when you wake up and can ward off those "hey I just woke up and look how negative I am already" thoughts.
Journaling - write down thoughts and feelings to gain insight into your self perception. It also helps get the thoughts/feelings out of your head and onto paper.
Therapy - We all know what this is and nobody wants the stigma of seeing a therapist. I assure you, they have insight into this stuff that you didn't know existed and it can help you. If you feel you can't do it on your own, see someone.
Focus on Strengths - make a list of skills, accomplishments and positive qualities to remind yourself of your worth. Think of the good things about yourself and snuff our the bad.
Set realistic goals - set achievable goals and celebrate your progress no matter how small,
Build healthy relationships - Surround yourself with supportive people who value you. Healthy relationships are based on trust, respect and open communication. Be honest, respectful, be a good listener, be vulnerable, be kind, be fair, compromise, be able to solve problems and set clear boundaries when needed.
Self-Care practices - prioritize physical and mental health through exercise, eating healthy, relaxation techniques and the other things I've mentioned. Take a nice warm bath, get a pedicure, take yourself out!
Meditation - the long lasting benefits we put into our lives when we meditate are: lower stress levels, get to know our pain, we connect better, improve our focus and we are kind to ourselves. It is a technique that trains the mind to concentrate and redirect thoughts. Redirect thoughts. (just to make sure you heard that part)
I've always tried to find the "thing" that will make me feel happy, satisfied and fulfilled.
Don't get me wrong, I have SO many things to be grateful for and I am VERY grateful for the all the amazing things in my life.
There has always been this feeling of "something" I'm missing. Something that can allow me to do all the things I want to do, and be the person I want to be. I think I finally figured it out. That something I'm missing and that I've been chasing all this time, is my own self worth. I still don't have it where it needs to be after all the work I've done. I may never be done, but now it's time to take it up a notch!
Sometimes we get away from doing the work because we get busy or we're just tired of fighting all the time! We feel like we are right back where we started. The work you've done is still there! Just pick it back up and remember how you felt and what it has done for you. Research it, find out the answers you need and make it happen.
If this sounds familiar like you've heard all of this before from me, you have. I'm not done yet. I'm going to keep talking about it and trying to help others. I want others to feel like they are not alone and maybe give a tidbit or two on how to help. It sucks to feel alone or like you're the only one.
If you've never done any work on yourself or self improvement, it's never too late. Start today! All you have to do is start, that's the hardest part. Keep going. Encourage yourself. As I've said in previous blogs "nobody is coming to save you". It's you....and you. Take cafe of yourself first. Nobody is perfect so stop trying to be. You are amazing just the way you are.
Do not stop trying to improve yourself.
It's never too late to be the person you want to be.
Love yourself first.
Push through the hard parts.
NEVER QUIT!
LFG
"Many of us fight a constant battle that others cannot see. It's an exhausting torture we face to simply exist. Many of us are speaking out about it. We are not alone. We will be the light in the darkness others face, helping them see their path." - Ron Lotti