"Good Grief Charle Brown"

Grief is a big fat douche canoe. 

It is not limited to the death of a loved one. 

Grief can come as the result of all different kinds of losses.  It CAN be the death of a loved one, family member, partner, pet etc.  That is the type most people think of when they think of grief.  It can also be the loss of a marriage, a dream you had planned or goal, a friendship, a home/community, a job, your health, your youth, fertility, miscarriage and more.

I've dealt with both types of grief in the past several years to a great extent, and I just wanted to write about it.  

Since late 2020, I've lost both of my parents, a father in law who I thought the world of, the man I thought I would be married to for the rest of my life, his family who were like a second family to me, some "marriage friends", my home, my community, an employer I had been at for 10 years, a cat and a very dear friend.  

When you divorce, you lose a dream you once had, you lose your sense of security, the future seems so uncertain and scary.  You feel like a failure.  It feels similar to a death.  At least that's how I felt.

When you lose a parent, no matter what the relationship looked like, it's a big loss.  When you lose them both in a short period of time, it's pretty rough.  You feel alone even if you didn't see them all the time or have the greatest relationship.  You can't call your mom or dad if you need to.  Even if you didn't talk to them all the time,  it's still the thought of it not being an option anymore.  It feels sort of like you're a kid on your own if that makes any sense.  I had to fight off guilt because the relationships weren't as good as they could have been, and I was asking myself "should I have done more while they were still here?"  

On top of all that, when you have to move out of your home where your kids grew up, where your beloved pets are buried out back, where so many memories were made and where you created a dream, it's traumatic.  It's a loss.  You no longer live in that community where the neighbors know you, the people at the local store know you, where you feel comfortable and secure.

You no longer spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, any holidays actually, with the people you've spent them with for the past 22 years.  You no longer get invited to parties or gatherings you used to go to.  You can't drive to Millinocket or Little Deer Isle to visit your parents.  You drive a different way to work and you don't have any friends at the new job.  You have to start from scratch on your dreams and goals or realize they look very different now.  You can't call up that friend you lost for advice or just to talk anymore.  Your life is over as you knew it.  Some of this may seem trivial, but when it's all at once, everything feels big. 

I was wondering if all this loss was ever going to stop!

It took me a while to actually realize what I was going through was grief.  Once I did, I felt like I could deal with it better and the realization motivated me to get through it because I knew I had some tools to help me through it.  I knew there were different stage to grief and I wanted to learn more about them so I could process the feelings I was having.  

Back to the internet we go!  Google that shit.  I found the following were stages of guilt but don't come at me if you don't agree.  There are no rules here. 

Denial.  This is not happening, I don't want it to be happening, I'm just going to not think about it and not deal with it.  

Anger.  Why did this shit happen?  Why me?  Blaming others.  Maybe you're not blaming anyone in particular, but deflecting from yourself and having to feel the pain.  

Bargaining.  Thoughts about how things could have been done differently or better.  Negotiations are your thoughts attempting to exchange one thing for another.  

Depression.  You may experience the emotions associated with depression like emotional detachment, sadness, hopelessness, decreased coping skills, decreased desire to do the things that bring you joy etc.

Acceptance.  Eventually, most people accept or embrace the reality of the loss even if the pain is still there.  This is the "you never get over it, but learn to live with it". 

Not everyone who grieves experiences all these stages, and not everyone feels them in the same order or for the same amount of time.  Again, there are no rules when it comes to grief.  There is no time limit and everyone processes grief in their own time frame.  Always handle yourself with kindness and grace during this time. 

Any type of loss is very difficult to get through.  I remember feeling like "I'm never getting out of this, I'm going to feel like this forever".  Don't give up on yourself.  Gather information.  Learn the process to get through.  Seek out tools and resources to help you through it.  Take action to be sure you are taking care of your mental health during these difficult experiences.  

Guys, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES.  You can't take care of anyone else if you are not taking care of yourself. Be a priority!  Keep going.  Fuck shit up.

“Owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky, but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” - Brene Brown

 

That's Not A Spouse.

The first time (I remember) wanting to know more about the term "Empath" was when I was 49-50 years old.  I googled the term and read an article that was titled something like "Loving An Empath".  

Since the article described me to a "T", I thought I'd show it to my husband at the time to give him some insight.  The response I got after he read it was "that's not a spouse".  So then comes the thoughts of I've done something wrong.  Being who I am is wrong.  I'm not relationship material and certainly not marriage material.  

Basically, "It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me".  🙋🏻‍♀️ (I will use ANY opportunity to inject Taylor Swift into this blog).

Jump forward to this summer when a friend asked me this question........."what is your superpower"?  

The answer I gave was empathy.    It's not a flaw, or a mistake, or a shortcoming, a defect or a fail.  Empathy is my super power.

Empathy helps you understand others more and allows you to connect with them differently.  This builds our resilience - the ability to bounce back after challenges.  

As a rule, I think people hear the word empath and think it's a made up term to describe someone who's too sensitive.  

It's actually putting yourself in someone else's shoes and feeling how they feel.  It's a blessing and curse and can suck the life out of you.  Sometimes you need time to reset.

By reset, I mean spend some time alone and clear your mind and unplug from it all.  I have used hiking to do that quite a bit.  I've done some long solo hikes and long solo days at the beach just to feel rested mentally and emotionally.  Take yourself out for a day and do the things that bring you joy.  After all, you will be spending the rest of your life with yourself.  You might as well treat yourself right and enjoy your own company!  Be you own best friend. You're pretty cool to hang you with you know!

It's important to know that spending time with yourself and doing things for yourself is absolutely 100% acceptable.  You do not have to answer to anyone about it either.  

My thoughts on the term or label of "empath" are mixed.  I think it is a thing, but I feel like people run away with it a little too much sometimes.  Like "I have ESP, or I have special powers". I just think it's referring to people who have BIG feelings, have a natural and strong ability to put themselves in other's shoes, and have a very strong intuition.  They are very good at reading people also. 

Maybe they're born with it, maybe its Maybelline.  🤷🏻‍♀️

Empathy, according to Merriaim-Webster is "the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another."

Empathy is a blessing.  It's a blessing to be able to feel for others and put yourself in their shoes because you're seeing the world from more than just your perspective.  It's the glue that holds relationships together.  When you can understand other's emotions and perspectives, they feel validated, it builds trust, helps healing and leads to greater relationships and happiness.

Empathy is a curse.  It's a curse at times because you can experience emotional overload, take on others feelings or "problems" and feel as though you need to fix them.  You have to be able to separate your feelings from the feelings of others and figure out which ones are yours and which ones are not.  That can be a challenge at times.  Empathy can also be a curse just because it becomes heavy at times.  I have found myself saying that I wish I didn't have empathy so I wouldn't give a shit sometimes.  Somedays I just don't want to give a shit, but I always do.  It's who I am.  But sometimes I want a day off from being this way.  Ever want to just not give a hoot?  

So I guess you could say I'm an Empath..........or not.  Who knows and who cares?  What I do know is I am a good person and was a good spouse.  Being who I am and feeling the way I feel does not make me a bad spouse or person.  It actually makes me amazing!  

So you go ahead and be your authentic self too and keep being amazing!  Fuck em'.  

"Empathy has no script.  There is no right way or wrong way to do it.  It's simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of 'You're not alone'." - Brene Brown